Soul Mate

Ever wonder why everybody always says i’m looking for my bashert and at the same time plays the “game” like non-yidden? Good question… what’s a bashert? What game?
A bashert is your zivug that Hashem chose for you before you were born, forty days after conception.

The dating game is supposed to be played with very fine rules. There are levels, points and a score keeper. The winner marries their true soul mate, and the loser either settles for less or loses the game completely.

The Gemara in Maseches Sotah discusses the concept of a zivug rishon and a zivug sheini, one’s first and second match. To explain these concepts I will define them separately and then try to bring it all together.

Zivug rishon: when a person is conceived an angel asks Hashem what will be in store for this person in respect to intelligence, beauty, money, and zivug. This, however, only takes into account the person before they did deeds or sinned. This is because everything is ordained by heaven about a person’s life except fearing Hashem (free will). This means if both a man and his zivug stay on the same level that they were born at they will get married no matter what (Hashem can do anything).

Zivug sheini: when a person is brought into this world, s/he begins to work his or her free will and change the level s/he began on, for better or worse. Their zivug rishon does the same. If they are on different levels Hashem has no choice but to marry them to the next best thing, their second zivug. This zivug is on a comparable level with qualities that match one's self but not the “soul mate”. This can go on to zivug number three or even four. Each time Hashem will take the next best match till he reaches a level that matches that person.

To put it all together bluntly, a single person that wants to find their true zivug, zivug rishon, must do the will of Hashem and pray that their spouse does too. If they fall and their spouse does not they get booted to level two. Same goes the other way. If their zivug rishon grows very high and they fail to grow accordingly they lose and do not go to the “new” level one.

This also means that a couple must try very hard to encourage each other to grow together. One should not say “what s/he does is her/his problem, it’s a free country."

One chiddush I would like to humbly add is that the Torah commands that if a woman cheats on her husband, then her husband must divorce her. It could be that this sin is automatically grounds for losing the “game”, so no matter what level she was on she is not anymore and needs to find another zivug.

Please do not be a fool and try to figure out what level you’re on and what level your spouse or date is on. Only Hashem can judge (and besides judging is a sin and might in itself make you fall a level). The only thing you can do with this information is try your best to do the will of Hashem and leave everything in his hands.