Soul Mate

Ever wonder why everybody always says i’m looking for my bashert and at the same time plays the “game” like non-yidden? Good question… what’s a bashert? What game?
A bashert is your zivug that Hashem chose for you before you were born, forty days after conception.

The dating game is supposed to be played with very fine rules. There are levels, points and a score keeper. The winner marries their true soul mate, and the loser either settles for less or loses the game completely.

The Gemara in Maseches Sotah discusses the concept of a zivug rishon and a zivug sheini, one’s first and second match. To explain these concepts I will define them separately and then try to bring it all together.

Zivug rishon: when a person is conceived an angel asks Hashem what will be in store for this person in respect to intelligence, beauty, money, and zivug. This, however, only takes into account the person before they did deeds or sinned. This is because everything is ordained by heaven about a person’s life except fearing Hashem (free will). This means if both a man and his zivug stay on the same level that they were born at they will get married no matter what (Hashem can do anything).

Zivug sheini: when a person is brought into this world, s/he begins to work his or her free will and change the level s/he began on, for better or worse. Their zivug rishon does the same. If they are on different levels Hashem has no choice but to marry them to the next best thing, their second zivug. This zivug is on a comparable level with qualities that match one's self but not the “soul mate”. This can go on to zivug number three or even four. Each time Hashem will take the next best match till he reaches a level that matches that person.

To put it all together bluntly, a single person that wants to find their true zivug, zivug rishon, must do the will of Hashem and pray that their spouse does too. If they fall and their spouse does not they get booted to level two. Same goes the other way. If their zivug rishon grows very high and they fail to grow accordingly they lose and do not go to the “new” level one.

This also means that a couple must try very hard to encourage each other to grow together. One should not say “what s/he does is her/his problem, it’s a free country."

One chiddush I would like to humbly add is that the Torah commands that if a woman cheats on her husband, then her husband must divorce her. It could be that this sin is automatically grounds for losing the “game”, so no matter what level she was on she is not anymore and needs to find another zivug.

Please do not be a fool and try to figure out what level you’re on and what level your spouse or date is on. Only Hashem can judge (and besides judging is a sin and might in itself make you fall a level). The only thing you can do with this information is try your best to do the will of Hashem and leave everything in his hands.

Why Is This Happening To Me?

My sister one time told me that when she was in the hospital with her daughter she said Tehillim while crying so that her daughter should get better. She asked me why Hashem would allow a baby that did not do anything wrong be in so much pain. She started to question if her prayers were answered. She also told me that it might have been her fault that her child is so sick. She told me that when her last child was born, she prayed that her next baby would take bottles sooner rather then later and this caused Hashem to curse her baby that it would be allergic to breast milk and only drink from bottles. A family friend of hers told her that she should have not made an Ayin Hara.
To break it down into question form: Can what I say harm me even if I do not mean it? And no matter how much I prayed and cried my baby was still in such bad condition why were my prayers not answered?


Can what I say harm me even if I do not mean it?
Sorry, but everything deep needs a lot of introduction. The michtav meliyahu writes on the concept of a pur (from the word purim-lottery) that there is no such thing as coincidence. If you use a pur to predict the future it would actually guide you. Furthermore, he explains that Haman knew that it will not work with someone that is closed minded (they only want one answer). When you seek a specific answer Hashem will let you see what you want. “In the way you chooses to go G-d will lead you” that is why Haman used a middle man to cast the pur. [The problem with that was that the middle man also hated the Jews so it didn’t work anyways.]

We can use this to help us understand all the superstition and ayin hara stuff that’s always floating around. If one believes in it, Hashem will use it as one of his methods of running that persons world. Remember that every detail in our life is orchestrated directly by Hashem. For example, if you make decisions on which house to buy by using a pur, Hashem will make it that you end up getting the house you deserve. On the other hand if you do not use the pur but instead use “scientifically proven methods to proper house buying” if Hashem wants you will end up with the same house. But again you have to not be biased or you just get what you think you want.

The point is not whether or not we should be using a pur. The point is Hashem runs your personal world with the methods you believe in. If you believe that luck is the reason for sickness and health, then it is. I personally believe that one should use the system of sin and punishment versus deed and reward. Do not be so superstitious and it will not affect you. This means no more horoscopes, jewelry with good luck charms or old wives’ tales.

One last thing about this question: obviously Hashem will never do anything bad to a person if they do not deserve it, so the concept of Al tiftach peh lasoton (don’t open your mouth to Satan) only will work if you deserve it anyways.

The next two questions have very similar themes so ill answer them together.
Why would Hashem allow a baby that did not do anything wrong be in so much pain? Why are a mother’s prayers not answered? The answer is simple, Hashem accounts for everything from the beginning of time till the end. He knows what is pure and exactly what needs to be done. All prayers are heard and the gates of tears are never closed.

The answer was never the issue; it’s the question that is the issue. In other words the way we perceive what is going on around us is what’s important. Trust in Hashem and never trust yourself. The baby did not suffer as much as the mother. In ten years ask the child if s/he had a painful day before s/he was three. The response would obviously be that the child doesn’t remember. The mother on the other hand will remember every detail for the rest of her life. Who suffered more? Also, we are not to judge what is good for us and what is bad. A lesson learned, a test passed, a cleansing had can be worth the pain sometimes. Just imagine if a baby was given a choice: be in the hospital now for a year or when you’re about to get engaged. Sometimes the punishment is a must for whatever reason Hashem has. Better we take it when Hashem decides rather then push it off to when we think it might be better. If we would understand this world on the level of Hashem we will obviously make the same exact decisions. Just trust that everything is for the best no matter how it seems.

There's a Time and Place for Everything

I'm busy with finals this week, hope to post next week. Shavua Tov.